Funny Little Christmas Story

In years past, my brother Mike has often asked me to play the role of Santa on the telephone with his kids. In fact, my repertoire is not limited to just Santa. When his kids "go poo-poo in the potty", often "Spiderman" would call to congratulate the newly potty trained.

(Incidentally, what does Spiderman sound like on the telephone? You might ask yourself that, as I did T-minus three seconds before one of my nephews was put on the phone. Thinking quickly, the only thing I could come up with sounded like a deranged Jamaican disc jockey. But that is another story for another time.)

So, I decided to call Mike today on my drive home, just to wish him and his family Merry Christmas before things get busy for him. While I was on the phone, Mike says, in a very pronounced voice, "So, do you want to talk to Joshua, SANTA?"

Here we go. "Uh, oh yeah. Sure."

And then, there's Joshua.

Thinking on my feet, in a deep unnatural baritone, I ask him if he's been a good boy. He lies and says, "Yes".

Then I ask him what he wants for Christmas, and he mumbles something about a Lego Space Police set, which I try to parrot back to him. I must have gotten close enough, because he didn't seem to argue. Then, fresh out of material, I chortle and "ho, ho, ho" until I sound like a commercial for Farm and Fleet. Honestly, I am thinking what an idiot I must sound like, and how glad I am that I don't carpool.

Then Joshua asks me if I want to talk to Nathan.

"Uh, Sure."

And so, I boom out at Nathan, asking him if he's been a good boy.

He answers, "Yes," but then says, "Uncle Scott, I know it's you."

Game over, man.

Dropping my fake voice, I implore him not to tell Joshua. This will have to be our secret. Aw, man. Totally busted!

Then Nathan passes the phone to Cooper, and Cooper gets a turn to talk to Santa. It's a good thing I have a long commute, because my brother has a lot of kids.

Again, I pull out my baritone voice and boom and ho-ho-ho at Cooper, who buys into it totally. "Now Cooper, what do YOU want for Christmas?"

"An apron."

"A what?"

"An apron."

"You mean like for cooking?"

"Yeah."

"OK, well, what do you like to cook?" I ask him.

"Cookies!" he chirps.

"Perfect. You can cook up a batch for Santa!"

And so it went. I didn't get to talk with Emma, but I doubt she would be buying my act any more than Nathan did.

Honestly, I think my days as Spiderman and Santa are numbered.

Merry Christmas, Everyone.